Like A Surgeon
by Ronni-Chan
Summary: Xellos is up to his song night tricks as he once again makes the Slayers group listen to one of his songs. Will they survive? Is there someone else who actually sings worse than Xellos? Please read to find out!


Authors Notes: Welcome Minna to my third songfic. I know it has been a long time since I have written another fanfic. Alas, this may also be my last as it is very difficult for me to write and type due to a condition I have (Zel: Stupidity?) NO! Well, anyway, I hope that this fic will be as, if not more, funny than my others. Well, onto the….DISCLAIMER….I do not claim DIS nor ER. Sorry, bad joke. The song belongs to, no NOT Tom Lehrer….not this time, but in fact to Weird Al Yankovic. Hey! Don't run away yet. Give it a chance. The Slayers belong to….to….to….oh hell with it, I don't know. I am too lazy to go look. Look it up on your own if you really wanna know. All I know is that they don't belong to me, although I AM trying to get Zelgadis to join my harem (Zel: Not happening). I already have Hakkai from Saiyuki (Hakkai: Um…no you don't). Well, anyway….onto the fic! (P.S. Please excuse any spelling mistakes I might have missed after proof-reading.)

LIKE A SURGEON

(The lyrics are all in caps)

Xellos surveyed the area around him. Snow flakes of small and large size blanketed the area. 'It would be a pretty site….if one liked snow that is' thought Xellos with a sneer on his face. Xellos then disappeared from the rock formation he had been standing on and reappeared in front of a simple looking inn. 'It's a good night for an encore' thought Xellos, this time opening his eyes and smirking.

Some time later……

"NOT AGAIN!"

This statement was made by a very, very, very (did I mention very?) irate Lina Inverse. Instead of dreaming about getting revenge on the chickens who chased her in her last dream, she found herself sitting at a crowded, and rather dirty, table. In the middle of the room was a stage. She noted that this time there were no other people around, save for the ones sitting at her table. She also noticed that once again she was chained to the table and that the same group as last time sat chained to the table as well. 'He is thorough I'll give him that'

Lina: Hey! Zel. Wake up.

Zelgadis: Ugh. Where am I? (looks around) Oh for……not again. That fruitcake.

Valgarv: (looks around) #&!

Filia: Watch your language!

Val: #& you!

Filia: (Grabs her mace and whacks Val over the head with it) I said watch your language!

Val: …………Fine.

Zel: Well that was pointless. So does anyone know what Xellos is up to this time?

Gourry: How do you know that it was Xellos? Maybe it was Hellmaster Phibrizzo or someone like that.

(Everyone imagines Hellmaster standing on stage with a mike in his hand singing)

Everyone: ………NAAAHH!

Suddenly the lights grow dim, streams of blue and yellow spotlights highlighting the stage. A voice booms out from the loudspeakers causing everyone to cover their ears.

Xellos: Welcome everyone to Casa del Xellos's song night.

Zel: Where are some rotten tomatoes when I need them.

Xellos: Tsk tsk Zel-chan. When will you admit that you really like me?

Zel: Go to hell Xellos.

Xellos: Been there, done that. Quite nice this time of year actually.

Zel: (Growls) You ought thank Cephied that I'm tied to this table.

Xellos: Promises promises. (materializes behind Filia and smirks) Ne Filia-chan. If you want to try Tango-ing again after my song just let me know.

Filia: (blushes) Namagomi! (reaches under her skirt to grab her mace) Don't you come near me! (swings her mace at Xellos who disappears and reappears behind Valgarv).

Xellos: Be careful Filia-chan. You might hurt your precious Valgarv. Don't want him to get all bruised now do you?

Valgarv: You're dead Xellos.

Xellos: You're welcome to try. (a dinging sound comes from the speakers)

Voice: Xellos-sama your song is ready.

Xellos: Well, it's time. Hope you enjoy my song!

Everyone: Not likely.

Amelia: I really really hope the author has found a more tasteful song this time.

Lina: With Xellos singing the song? What have you been smoking?

Voice: Welcome ladies and gentlemen…..or actually ladies, gentlemen and Lina

Lina: FIREBALL!

Voice: (cough) Welcome to Song night. And now, here is Xellos singing "Like A Virgin"

Gourry: Xellos is gonna sing like a virgin huh? (pause) Hey Lina? What's a virgin?

(Everyone, but Gourry, facefaults)

Lina: (sputtering) Don't….don't ask me that!

Amelia: (blushing) Gourry-san. It isn't polite to ask a lady such a question. Not even Lina-san.

Lina: Watch it, Amelia.

Voice: Oh I'm sorry. My mistake. Xellos will not be singing "Like A Virgin". He will be singing "Like A Surgeon".

Gourry: Oh that's better. (pause) Hey Lina? What's a surgeon?

Lina: Garv Flare!

Gourry: Ow. I think I am gonna pass out now okay? Tell me how the song goes. (passes out)

Lina: Finally.

(Everyone claps)

A beeping noise comes out from the speakers

(NOTE: Song sung to the tune of "Like A Virgin")

Xellos: (walks onto stage and begins to sing)

I FINALLY MADE IT THOUGH MED SCHOOL

Filia: I can't imagine anyone letting Xellos into a medical school.

Lina: He probably drugged everyone and changed his grades.

SOMEHOW I MADE IT THROUGH

Zel: Yeah, probably by sleeping with the instructors.

(Everyone makes a sour face)

Amelia: (blushing) But doesn't that mean that he…..um….would've had to ….um….. you know….sleep with the male ones too?

(All ponder)

Gourry: (has woken up by now) Maybe Xellos is asexual with no preferences.

Everyone but Gourry: (blink blink)

(Gourry is now a splotch on the floor)

Everyone but Gourry: ………..Nah.

Amelia: (still blushing) Um….asexual?

Zel: (also blushing) He meant Bi.

Amelia: Oh.

I'M JUST AN INTERN

I STILL MAKE A MISTAKE OR TWO

Valgarv: Or three or four. Let's face it Xellos. You're just one big mistake.

(Nods from all around)

I WAS LAST IN MY CLASS

BARELY PASSED AT THE INSTITUTE

Zel: What institute was that? The institute of intelligence?

Filia: Don't be stupid Zelgadis-san. You know very well that Xellos could never pass at an institute like that.

Zel: True. My mistake.

NOW I'M TRYING TO AVOID, YEAH I'M TRYING TO AVOID

A MALPRACTICE SUIT.

Valgarv: (snorts) Hmph. Got to admit, that's one thing a Mazoku doesn't have to worry about.

Amelia: Why not?

Valgarv: Cause Mazoku make great lawyers.

Lina & Zel: Too true.

HEY LIKE A SURGEON

Gourry: As opposed to hate a surgeon?

Lina: (grabs bowl of popcorn from bar) Here Gourry. Stuff your face and shut your mouth.

Amelia: I'm surprised he knew to make that joke though.

Zel: I'm surprised he knew that he word opposed meant.

CUTTIN' FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME

Lina: Cuttin' what?

Fillia: Cuttin' class?

Valgarv: Cuttin' your face?

Gourry: Cuttin' the cheese?

Everyone but Gourry: Huh?

Gourry: You know….like that saying who cut the cheese?

Lina: (eye twitches) That's it! Darkness beyond twilight. Crimson beyond the blood that flows….

Amelia: Lina-san….don't do it! It's not worth it.

(Lina stops her spell and sighs. She then starts to mumble under her breath)

Lina: (touches Gourry) Sleep.

Gourry: (head falls onto the table) Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Everyone but Gourry: Finally!

LIKE A SURGEON

ORGAN TRANSPLANTS ON MY LINE

Zel: Nurse, the singer needs a brain transplant.

Val: Hah! Shows what you know freak-boy. Xellos doesn't even have a brain, let alone an area to store one.

Zel: (growls) Who are you calling a freak you dragon/mazoku mix

Val: You wanna fight? Bring it on freak-boy!

(Filia grabs her mace and whacks Zel and Val with it)

Filia: Cut it out you two. This is no time to be fighting.

BETTER GIVE ME ALL YOUR GOSNERS(?)

THIS PATIENTS FADING FAST

Everyone but Gourry: So is our sanity.

COMPLICATIONS HAVE SET IN

DON'T KNOW HOW LONG HE'LL LAST

Zel: If he's lucky, it won't be to the end of this song.

(Nods from all around)

LET ME SEE THAT IV

HERE WE GO, TIME TO OPERATE

Filia: I wish I could operate on you. You could use a vocal cord operation.

Lina: Yeah, an operation to remove them.

Zel: Wouldn't help. Better to just pull the plug. Put him out of his misery.

Val: Don't you mean OUR misery?

Lina: Good point.

I'LL PULL HIS INSIDES OUT

PULL HIS INSIDES OUT

Xellos: I hear intestine coats are in this time of year.

Everyone but Xellos (Gourry finally woke up): Ewwww!

AND SEE WHAT HE ATE

Voice: Of course, if it were Lina on the table, the doctors would be pulling out 100 chickens, 500 fish, 50 cows, and an entire town out of her stomach.

(Lina has a red, glowing aura around her which seems to be growing larger as she mutters under her breath. Everyone around her dives under the table)

Lina: DRAGON SLAVE!

(A large sphere encompasses the entire building, blowing the thing to kingdom come. When the dust clears, everyone discovers that somehow the stage and singer survived and that so did their table and that they were still chained to it. The mysterious voice, however, had been blown two towns away).

Xellos: May I continue please?

Everyone but Xellos: (cough cough….sigh) Go ahead.

Xellos: Thank you.

Amelia: (looks up at the snow falling into the now wall-less building) Nice night.

Everyone but Xellos: (nod)

LIKE A SURGEON, HEY

CUTTIN' FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME

Amelia: We never did find out what he was cutting.

Lina: Too bad it wasn't the lights.

Amelia: Why?

Lina: Then we could sneak out of here.

Val: Wouldn't work. Not only does Xellos have good night vision, but he can smell a potential victim a hundred miles away.

LIKE A SURGEON

HERE'S A WAIVER FOR YOU TO SIGN

Xellos: And for your listening pleasure I will now read stated waiver. (clears throat) I, the undersigned and underpaid else I would never have gone to a mazoku for medical services, do hereby waiver any and all liabilities and/or potential lawsuits aimed at my surgeon for failure to provide me adequate and/or any surgical services and I hereby waive my right to sue his ass for failure to provide proper surgery and for laughing manically while I writhe in pain and/or agony as I slowly die on the operating table. I, now the dead undersigned, also commit to my surgeon/mazoku master, my immortal (and probably immoral) soul for him to do with as he wishes, which is not limited to sleeping with, torturing, and/or using as a party favor. Please sign here, here, here, here in blood and initial there.

Everyone but Xellos: ……….no comment

WOOOOAAHHH WOOAAAHH

IT'S A FACT, I'M A QUACK

Lina, Filia, Zel, Val: No argument there.

THE DISCRACE OF THE AMA

Zel: And the disgrace of any living thing on the planet.

Val: You would know all about disgrace wouldn't you, being the grandson of Rezo.

Zel: So says the guy who made a big deal about restarting the world and couldn't even accomplish that.

Val: One of these days……

Filia: Okay that's it. If you boys want to fight so bad, take it outside.

Amelia: Um….Filia-san? We are outside.

(Everyone looks around)

Filia: Um….never mind then. Carry on.

Val, Zel: ……..maybe later.

CAUSE MY PATIENTS DIE

YEAH MY PATIENTS DIE BEFORE THEY CAN PAY

Xellos: As long as they sign the waiver, that's all that matters. I get my real payment after that (chuckles).

Val: He's sick, even for a mazoku.

Amelia: Thank goodness he isn't a real doctor. Then where would we be?

Zel: About a hundred thousand people less population wise.

Lina: Of course, that would mean more food for me.

Amelia: Lina-san!

Lina: Just kidding. Sheesh.

LIKE A SURGEON, HEY

CUTTIN' FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME

Lina: Enough already. Just cut to the chase.

Amelia: Cut to the point.

Filia: Cut to the end.

Val: Of your life.

Zel: Of my misery.

Everyone but Xellos: Of these stupid cutting jokes.

(R-C: Sorry…I'll stop now)

LIKE A SURGEON

GOT YOUR KIDNEYS ON MY MIND

Xellos: And your liver on my tongue and your heart in my hand

Gourry: And my lunch on the floor (bleeacchh)

Everyone but Xellos and Gourry: Eeeewwwww!

Lina: Clean that up jellyfish brains.

LIKE A SURGEON

OOOOHHH LIKE A SURGEON

WHEN I REACH INSIDE

Amelia: Reach inside what?

Filia: My wallet?

Val: Your skull?

Zel: A wormhole?

Lina: Huh?

Zel: Sorry wrong genre.

Lina: Oh

Xellos: My pants?

Filia, Lina: PERVERT…HENTAI…ECCHI

Xellos: Thank you

WITH MY SCAPEL AND MY FORCEPS AND RETRACTORS

Xellos: And my cold, latexed, dripping with your juices and blood-stains

(Lina jumps up and somehow, while chained to the table, manages to body slam Xellos to the ground) I dare you to complete that sentence.

Xellos: I was going to say hand.

Everyone but Xellos: Sure you were.

O OHOOOHOH OHOHOOOHHH (you get the idea)

OOOH BABY…YEAH

I CAN HEAR YOUR HEART BEAT

FOR THE VERY LAST TIME

Xellos: Ah….music to my ears.

Zel: Sicko

Filia: It would be great if this could be the very last time we heard Xellos speak

Gourry: We could always use duck tape.

Lina: That's duct tape, jellyfish brain.

BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

(Music ends)

Xellos: Well, how did you all like it?

Everyone but Xellos: Forget hell. Go to Barney Land.

Xellos: (shudders) Well that was rude.

Zel: Well that's ten minutes of my life I can never get back.

Lina: That's ten minutes of my life I don't want back.

Val: Maybe we should tie Xellos to a chair and make him listen to someone sing.

Xellos: Go ahead. Nothing you could sing could ever faze me.

Lina: (grinning) Oh Gourry….why don't you go up and sing to Xellos that song you were singing in the shower?

Gourry: Huh? But I thought you said to never ever sing again Lina.

Lina: I'll make an exception, just this once.

Amelia: I don't know Lina-san. That might be too cruel. And think of the after effects.

Lina: What after effects?

Amelia: We would have to listen too!

Lina:……….

Gourry: Okay (goes over to the stage and picks up the microphone) Here's me, Gourry, singing "Dare To Be Stupid"

Lina: (starts to panic) Wait Gourry. I changed my mind. Don't sing.

Zel: Too late. Everyone run

(Everyone but Gourry and Xellos get to their feet and try to run at full speed only to find out that they were still chained to the table)

Amelia: But how did Gourry get unchained?

Xellos: I figured he was to stupid to run so I never chained him up.

Gourry: (takes a deep breath) Okay here I go!

Xellos: (gets worried look on his face) Well, its been fun but I must go.

Lina, Filia, Zel: (holds Xellos down) No way!

Val: If we suffer, you suffer.

Gourry (singing): Dare to be stupid, Dare to be stuuuuuuppppiiidddd

Everyone but Gourry: NOOOOOOOOOO! MAKE HIM STOP, MAKE HIM STOOOOOOOPPPP!

Gourry: And now, my next song……….

Everyone but Gourry: Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

THE END!

Authors End notes: Well, I hoped you enjoyed reading this. Normally, Lina-tachi would be fighting and arguing about my choice in music but, alas, they have all succumbed to weariness (aka after Gourry starting singing, and wouldn't stop, they drank themselves into a drunken stupor). I really hope you will review this fic. Also, if you liked this one, please read my other two fics "Masochism Tango" and "Poisoning Pigeons In The Park" and review those too. It'll be a reviewing frenzy! Or not. Well, so long!


End file.
